Category Archives: Sex

Women more likely to be bisexual, study finds

women_biWomen are three times more likely to become bisexual than men because they are more flexible in their sexuality, new research has suggested.

While the majority of men are convinced they are either ‘100 per cent’ homosexual or heterosexual, women have a much more fluid approach to relationships, based on who they meet, it is claimed.

However US researchers found that women who avoided young motherhood, were physically attractive, or had high levels of education were less likely to explore relationships with same-sex partners because they had more romantic opportunities with the opposite sex. These women were more likely to say they were ‘100 per cent heterosexual.’

The study found romantic opportunities appear to influence the sexual identity of women – but not men.

“This indicates that women’s sexuality may be more flexible and adaptive than men’s,” said study author Dr Elizabeth McClintock, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Notre Dame in the United States.

“Women with some degree of attraction to both males and females might not be drawn into heterosexuality if they have favourable options in the heterosexual partner market.

“Women who are initially successful in partnering with men, as is more traditionally expected, may never explore their attraction to other women.

“However, women with the same sexual attractions, but less favourable heterosexual options might have greater opportunity to experiment with same-sex partners.”

But for men, higher levels of education were associated with a lower likelihood of identifying as “100 per cent heterosexual”, while physical attractiveness had no clear association with sexual identity.

Dr McClintock said: “Men are less often attracted to both sexes.

“Men’s sexuality is, in this sense, less flexible. If a man is only attracted to one sex, romantic opportunity would little alter his sexual identity.”

The study also found that women were more likely to change their sexual identities between the ages of 22 and 28.

Researchers tracked 5,018 women and 4,191 men as they moved from adolescence to young adulthood. On average, they were 16-years-old in the first wave, 22 in the third wave, and 28 in the fourth wave.

Dr McClintock found that women were more likely than men to report bisexuality.

She also found that women were three times more likely than men to change their sexual identities between 22 and 28.

The participants, who were not asked about their sexual identities until the third wave, could identify as 100 per cent heterosexual, mostly heterosexual, bisexual, mostly homosexual, and 100 per cent homosexual.

They were also asked at each stage if they had ever experienced same-sex attraction or participated in same-sex sexual activity.

“Women have a greater probability than men of being attracted to both men and women, which gives them greater flexibility in partner choice,” said Dr McClintock.

“Having flexible sexual attractions may grant greater importance to contextual and experiential factors when it comes to sexual identity.”

The findings are due to be presented at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association.

LOW SEXUAL DESIRE AND LOW SEX RELATIONSHIPS

RelationshipIn recent times, there has been considerable attention focused on the problems of low or no sex marriages. In such a relationship usually one partner has a very low libido or there is a significant discrepancy in sexual desire between the couple. The longer couples avoid sexual contact, the harder it becomes to break the cycle. The longer they refrain from sexual contact, the more they tend to blame each other.

A low sex marriage can often deteriorate so that conflict, frustration and boredom become commonplace in the relationship. With motivation however, these relationships can usually re-establish a healthy sexual life together.

The Importance of Sexuality

Sexuality is a complex, crucial aspect of life and marriage. There is no one-way to be sexual and no specific sexual frequency that is considered “normal”. For most people, sexuality is healthy as long as it causes neither member of the couple any distress or emotional turmoil. Healthy sexual functioning allows both people to enjoy pleasure and to have realistic expectations of each other.

Maintaining sexual desire, attraction and trust is an ongoing process that takes effort and initiative for both individuals. When a couple’s sexual expression begins to lag and lack excitement, the key to rebuilding marital sexual desire is to enjoy non-demanding pleasuring, increasing intimacy and having fun together. Both members must be committed to revitalizing the sexual energy

Contributing Factors

Low sexual desire can have a multitude of causes. These might include childhood sexual abuse, guilt regarding previous sexual activities or partners, fears of failure or a lack of genuine feelings for one’s spouse. These “secrets” often affect the trust in a relationship and can seriously impair marital communication. Ideally, they should be discussed with one’s partner or at the very least with a therapist, best friend or sibling. Left undisclosed, they can become poison to a relationship or marriage.

Other factors affecting sexual desire can include issues such as fears of pregnancy or difficulties such as infertility, fears of abandonment, shame about a sexual fetish, the need to protect a partner or lack of physical attraction.

For an individual with medical concerns or chronic health problems, additional issues may play a role in the lack of sexual desire. These might include shame or negative feelings about one’s body, concerns of being a burden, fears of rejection, the work involved in preparing for sex, fatigue, lack of privacy, difficulty with erections or ejaculation, and feeling inadequate as a sexual partner.

Crucial Commitment

Increasing sexual desire in a relationship is possible but requires the commitment of both people. Some authors have given specific instructions designed to rebuild sexual interest in the relationship. To maintain a vital sexual life you have to commit time and energy. The most important components in maintaining desire are to:

  • Function as a team dedicated to solving this problem.
  • Anticipate sexual encounters
  • Realize that sex is more than intercourse and orgasm. Spend time kissing, holding touching and being together in intimate ways.
  • Be open to sexual experimentation
  • Maintain a regular rhythm of affection and sexual contact.

Be committed to strengthening your relationship by enhancing your sexual life together. One factor or one spouse does not cause a lack of sexual interest

Some marriages can survive in spite of low sexual desire or infrequent sexual activity. It is possible to have a good relationship without sexual interest or sexual drive. Over time however, the lack of sexual desire becomes severe and chronic. Tension becomes more prevalent and the intimate connection is lost or destroyed. In these marriages, blaming and resentment build until anger becomes a daily issue. For the partner, withholding or avoiding sex makes a statement, a way to fight back. Withholding sex can be a reaction to the anger of ones spouse.

If lack of sexual desire has been an ongoing problem, dealing with anger may be the first step in restoring intimacy. Pointing a finger or blaming a spouse accomplishes nothing. Assigning blame only intensifies a problem and divides a couple even further.

Both people need to take responsibility and work together to break a deadlock and promote change. Regardless of what originally caused the problem, it is easier to break the cycle if you are able to talk about the sexual difficulty as a couples issue. Viewing a lack of sexual desire as a couple problem reduces guilt, defensiveness and blaming.

For many people, intimacy energizes the marital relationship and promotes a sense of closeness and connection. The real test however is the ability to stay connected and emotionally connected during difficult times. Maintaining intimacy during difficult times is a sign of a viable relationship.

Conflict does not have to negate emotional closeness and anger need not be a reason not to be sexual. For most of us, it is extremely important to deal with conflict, anger and frustration outside of the bedroom. Healthy couples tend to find a way to resolve conflict and to deal with anger and hurt without sacrificing sexual intimacy. At times, this may mean finding professional assistance with a problem rather than letting frustration slowly destroy a relationship.

No Quick Fix

In summary, there are no quick and easy solution to maintaining sexual desire and sexual intimacy in a relationship. However, a few guiding principles might be important to keep in mind:

  1. Try to be intimate in some form on a regular basis. The longer couples avoid sexual contact, the harder it is to break the cycle.
  2. Both members must be committed and motivated to revitalizing a sexual relationship. The couple must function as an integrated team to restore emotional and sexual intimacy.
  3. Deal with anger resentments and hurt outside of the bedroom and don’t use sex as a way of punishing your partner or making a statement about how you feel.
  4. Get away from the idea that intercourse and orgasm are the most important aspects of a sexual relationship. Have sexual contact be pleasurable, enjoyable, non-demanding and adventurous.
  5. Maintain sexual contact during difficult times even if initially you are not in the mood. The intimacy at these times will bring you closer and strengthen the bond between the two of you.
  6. Try to talk about sexual secrets, guilt and other issues that cause shame and feelings of inadequacy. Keeping such secrets to yourself tends to cause distance in the relationship and usually results in some form of withdrawal by one member of the couple.
  7. Remember that sexual contact should be fun and enjoyable. If sexual desire is missing, it may be that sex has turned into work and effort.

Sharing Housework Leads to More Sex

Couple doing laundry

Research shows that couples who split the housework fairly are the happiest between the sheets. They have the most sex, are the most satisfied with their sex lives, and express the highest level of sexual intimacy.

Sharing housework is something that many men may not like to participate in.

This is because a good number of our men are brought up with domestic help and some grow up in homes where the female children are made to feel responsible for the housework.

Many women end up becoming tired and exhausted when married to men who don’t even want to help out with house chores. Its now wonder that such men end up complaining when their wives are not interested in their sexual advances.

Now this new study should bring a smile to any overworked wife and/or mother. According to this study from researchers at Cornell University and Georgia State University, couples who share household chores equally report the highest quality sex lives.

The study found that spouses who split work around the house have the most sex, are most satisfied with their frequency of lovemaking, and report the highest quality sex lives.

“If we just look around our culture right now, there’s plenty of anecdotal evidence that men are turned on by strong, independent women and that women are turned on by men who show a great deal of love and affection and attention to their children and who help out around the house,” Dan Carlson, the lead author of the study and an assistant professor of sociology at Georgia State University, told TODAY.com

The study is based on the results of the 2006 Marital and Relationships Survey of about 600 couples. Almost 90 percent were married, while the rest were living together. The couples had moderate-to-low income and 55 percent had at least some university education. All of them had at least one child living with them.

“Everybody wants a great sex life and everybody wants to be in love with their partner,” said Carlson. “So to have a really strong, high quality relationship, I think our results demonstrate that egalitarianism is the most conducive to that.”

“The conventional view, based on data that’s a quarter century old, is that sexual arousal for heterosexual couples is dependent traditional gender roles, on a man being manly and a woman being feminine,” said Carlson.

“But given the changes in attitudes over time and what people want, we weren’t so sure that conventional gender behavior was the only thing that turns people on anymore.”

Sex Facts You Need in Your Life

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Even if you consider yourself a total sexpert, there is always something new to learn about sex. From all the crazy ways it can improve your health to the downright weird things that happen during the act, read on for everything you could possibly want to know about getting busy. Plus, we promise it will be a lot more fun than sex ed ever was.

1. Sex reduces stress. On top of obvious, ahem, physical benefits, research shows that getting busy calms nerves, lowers blood pressure, and reduces stress. Grab your partner before that big presentation at work—in one study, participants who had sex before a public speaking experiment were the least stressed.

2. It can make you feel better when you’re sick, too. Studies show that arousal and orgasm boost your immune system. And while this means sex could be good for you when you’re feeling a little under the weather, definitely know when to opt for some chicken soup and some sleep over a little sexual healing.

3. Lube makes it easier to orgasm. If you’re having trouble getting off, all your problems might be solved with one simple addition to the bedroom: lube. Nearly 50 percent of men and women who used lube said it made it easier to have an orgasm, according to a study out of Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion. Easiest sex hack ever.

4. Speaking of lube, you can use coconut oil for that. If you’re a health buff, chances are you already know that coconut oil can be used for just about everything. Another thing to add to the list of its many functions: a great DIY lubricant. It’s all-natural, long-lasting and even anti-fungal. Who knew?

5. Lesbians have the most orgasms. Sorry, straight ladies—when it comes to crossing the finish line, lesbians are coming in first. A study that looked at the relationship between sexual orientation and orgasm occurrence found that heterosexual women climaxed 61.6 percent of the time, while homosexual women climaxed 74.7 percent of the time and bisexual women climaxed 58 percent of the time.

6. Other random characteristics can up your orgasm odds, too. Who else joins lesbians on the list of those having the most orgasms? Red heads, Republicans, Android users, and older women, to name a few.

7. Semen is low in calories. Thirty-six calories in a teaspoon, to be exact. Just in case that was a concern of yours.

8. Post-gym is a REALLY good time to get busy. Blood flow to your genital region is higher after a workout, according to one study, making your sexual function go off the charts. Not to mention, your testosterone levels skyrocket while you exercise, so you’ll definitely be in the mood.

9. Speaking of working out…some people get off WHILE doing it. Orgasms are elusive enough as it is, but some lucky people report exercised-induced ones. They can thank repetitious core movements for that one—and some serious good fortune.

10. Some states are kinkier than others. Wyoming, Alaska, Vermont, West Virginia and Oregon are the top kink-curious states—at least according to what they search on Pornhub. California, surprisingly, came in dead last—but maybe they’re expressing their kink outside their search history.

11. Almost 31 percent of guys have faked an orgasm. A survey from Time Out New York found that guys are in on the trick, too. Time to start second-guessing everything you thought you knew.

12. Love makes for better sex. A recent study presented at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association found that the most mind-blowing sex comes with being in love with your partner.

13. Condoms don’t actually affect pleasure all that much. Next time a guy complains about using a condom serve him up this study that found men and women enjoy sex just as much with condoms as they do without. In fact, condoms might even make sex better, thanks to new, pleasure-enhancing innovations.

14. Traveling is prime time for one night stands. HostelBookers.com surveyed over 11,000 of its users about their “juiciest travel sex secrets” and found that a whopping 52 percent of men and 41 percent of women have had one-night stands while traveling. Get it, world travelers.

15. Hooking up can lead to marriage. You might think that hooking up and settling down are mutually exclusive, but it turns out that one third of married couples were originally a hookup, according to a report from the National Marriage Project. Okay, so every one night stand might not be marriage material, but hey—don’t count out the possibility.

16. Nipplegasms exist. Add this to the list of crazy orgasms you probably can only dream about. But here’s how it works: Nipple stimulation releases oxytocin, which can cause the uterine and vaginal contractions associated with orgasm. This brings more blood flow to the genitals and, for some lucky women, that can mean an orgasm.

17. Sex can lead to more regular cycles. If you have period trouble, sex should be on the top of your list of cures to try (okay, barring consulting an actual doctor). Researchers at Stanford and Columbia Universities found that women who had sex at least once a week had more regular cycles.

18. You feel less pain during sex. Ever wonder why things like spanking and hair-pulling go from bad pain to good pain when brought into the bedroom? That’s because your pain threshold can increase significantly during arousal, according to a study published in the Journal of Sex Research.

19. One in 5 people use their smart phones during sex. Yes, you read that correctly. During sex. At least, adults between 18 and 34 years old do, according to a survey by Harris Interactive for Jumio. Here’s hoping that they weren’t using their phones to live-tweet.

20. Sex is a great addition to your regular workout. You’ve probably heard that sex is a great form of exercise—and then heard that fact debunked. Okay, so you won’t be shedding any serious weight on a fitness routine of sex alone, but Canadian researchers found that the level of intensity during sex was practically two-thirds that of exercise. AKA, the perfect supplement to your usual workout.

21. More people prefer coffee to sex. Researchers conducted the survey of over 7,000 and found that 51 percent of them said they could go longer without sex than they could go without coffee. Clearly those people don’t know that orgasms can be a great morning pick-me-up, too—or maybe they just really love their Starbucks. (We understand.)

22. People in New Mexico are having the longest sex sessions. Spreadsheet, a relationship app created to help users monitor their performance in the bedroom, ranked states by their staying power between the sheets. The states with most stamina: New Mexico, West Virginia, Idaho, South Carolina, and Missouri.

23. You can induce sex dreams by your sleep position. If you’re not dreaming about Channing Tatum as much as you’d like, you might want to switch up how you sleep. A study published in Dreaming found that people who slept face down on their stomach with their arms stretched above their head had more sexual dreams—including ones about affairs with celebrities. Bring it on.

24. Socks might be the weird key to your orgasm. Okay, maybe socks won’t magically trigger an orgasm, but they do solve a common orgasm-blocking problem, according to a Dutch study. While measuring orgasms, they found that many of their female participants were uncomfortable due to cold feet. After they gave them socks, the percentage of those reaching orgasm rose from 50 to 80 percent.

25. It may cure your headache. Before reaching for that pain reliever, you might want to try an all-natural approach. One study found that 60 percent of migraine sufferers reported that sex helped ease their pain. Yep, it’s that good.

26. An apple a day can boost your sex life. According to one study, women who ate the fruit once a day had higher sexual quality of life. Plus, apples are delicious, so it’s a win-win.

27. Having an orgasm can make pillow talk better. Well, obviously. But research actually found that post-sex communication is more intimate and open if you climaxed. We call that motivation.

Have More Sex, Make More Money

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Now here’s some advice you can take to the bank and the bedroom: Have more sex and you’ll make more money.

So says a study out of England’s Anglia Ruskin U., which compared data (demographics, health, earnings, sexual activity) on 7,500-plus people and found that those who had sex two to three times a week earned about 4.5% more than their less-lucky compatriots. Researchers theorize that being more fulfilled at home makes people more successful at work.

“Being sexually active seems to be a proxy for good health,” says study honcho Nick Drydakis, Ph.D., “and that itself correlates with having higher energy for everything, including work.” Go ahead, start your own experiment at home tonight.

Sexual Styles that Don’t Match

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Are you a once-a-week person, while your partner is wanting it three times a day? Does the difference in your sex drives cause problems in your relationship? A good sexual relationship is one that is gratifying to both partners … and Dr. Phil has some advice to get you there:

  • If your sexual relationship is not living up to your needs, stop complaining and start asking for what you want. This means you first need to look within to identify your needs. When you communicate, be specific.
  • Do you really know what your partner wants? Find out. Maybe you and your partner are not as far apart as you think. Talk about things when you are both calm and rational. Don’t blame each other; talk openly.
  • Relationships are about negotiation and compromise — and it never stops. Carve out time. Negotiate a plan that works for both of you. Behave your way to success. If you agreed to a plan and it’s no longer working for you, sit down together and negotiate a new plan. Partners rarely have the same level of sex drive at the same time. Negotiate for some middle ground that you can both be happy with.
  • Don’t base a relationship on sex. You need love, compassion and caring — and then sex can be a reflection of that. Don’t think of it in either/or terms: You can cuddle when it’s time for that, have an active sex life as well, and have tremendous love and respect for each other throughout.
  • Different people have a different language of love. For example, a lot of guys think, “I mowed the yard. Doesn’t that say I love you?” Are you speaking a language that your partner understands?
  • Look at your emotional needs because they affect your sexual relationship as well.
  • What sexual baggage did you bring to the relationship? For example, if sex defined previous relationships that failed, you may be reluctant to get too sexually active in a new relationship. Look at your history and learn from it.
  • Don’t use sex for the wrong reasons, and burden it or load it up with too much meaning. For example, it shouldn’t be a way to validate your partner. It should be an extension of the caring, feeling and respect you have for the other person.
  • What kind of excuses are you making? If it’s that your daughter is going to walk in, “put a cowbell on her,” says Dr. Phil. It’s OK to lock the door and tell your kids not to disturb Mom and Dad.
  • Remember that quality, not quantity, is the most important factor.
  • The choices you make have consequences. For example, if you choose to work, go to school and have a family, you may have very little left to invest in a sexual relationship. Change your behavior and decisions if you want different consequences. Try delegating responsibility if you’re too exhausted or over-worked for sex.
  • The quality of a relationship depends on how well it meets the needs of those involved. Consider your partner’s needs as legitimate, and look at how you can meet those needs. Don’t label your partner as being wrong or having something wrong with him/her because that dismisses the issue.
  • Ask yourself or your partner: Are you really too tired? Or are you just tired of him/her?
  • Are you getting him/her in the mood? If your version of foreplay is “Honey, brace yourself,” you may want to try doing things differently. You may need to work a little harder to motivate, inspire, seduce or attract your partner. If your wife is exhausted from a busy day of chasing kids around, try to do some things that will decompress her. Run a bath and let her relax while you put the kids to bed.  Even the smallest gesture can seem romantic to your partner.
  • Talk to your doctor for more information about whether biochemical and hormonal factors can be contributing to a low or high sex drive.

 

My partner prefers masturbation

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Is it normal for loved-up men to prefer masturbation over sex with their partner? Dr Gabrielle Morrissey discusses.

(Q) I have been in a relationship with my partner for two two years. We had a healthy sexual relationship when the relationship started but lately his preference has been masturbation to the point of staying up after I go to bed so he can do the deed. I have a healthy sex drive and have spoken to him about the dissatisfaction I am feeling. Is it normal for men to prefer masturbation over sex with their partner? Am I being unreasonable?

(A) You’re not being unreasonable and you’re probably feeling confused, rejected and hurt, to name a few emotions that would be natural in this situation. Two years into a relationship is not long and the passionate side should still be thriving. Research shows the initial intense ‘lust phase’ of a relationship, mostly fueled by our sexual bio-chemicals, isn’t designed to last more than eighteen months before it cools off. But that doesn’t mean that by two years your sex life should have fizzled to the point of dissatisfaction, as in your case. We never match the same kind of crazy obsessive sexual chemistry as when two people first discover each other in the beginning stages of a relationship, but a couple, with some investment, this should remain hot and excited for years together.

Research indicates that “great sex” revolves around feeling connected, rather than any one physical technique. In your current situation there is a definite lack of connection between you two, not just in your sex life, but in your communication. How can you change the pattern in your intimacy if you can’t get through to each other about your feelings?

The way you are communicating about your dissatisfaction clearly isn’t working because it hasn’t brought about satisfactory change. In a healthy relationship partners want each other to be happy, so if it’s clear that they aren’t generally a genuine effort is made to work together to fix the issue so that both partners can get back to being happy together again.

Rather than focus on the dissatisfaction you are feeling yourself, try to explore with him what’s triggering his dissatisfaction with your sex life.

What does he account for the shift from a great sexual relationship to now, the preference to act as a single man and self service himself? Ask him if he feels the distance and disconnection between you also, and if he’d like to work on reigniting the intimacy. If you can reconnect as a couple in your communication and time spent outside the bedroom, the distance won’t feel so great and it will be much easier to initiate sex between you. Build up to this by spending more romantic time together.

If you create shared experiences together that feel good and enable you to feel closer, that will translate into the bedroom. If it doesn’t, then you know there is a hiccup or obstacle to your intimacy as a couple that needs deeper investigation and analysis to unearth what is wrong and how you can then fix it. This may require more honesty, and guided by a counselor can be very successful. Do not be surprised at how issues that seemingly have nothing to do with your sex life project themselves into your sexual intimacy and manifest there. While many couples engage in masturbation together and separately, it’s not healthy for it to replace shared mutual pleasure to the extent that one partner remains dissatisfied, even after communicating about it. It’s not only reasonable how you feel, it’s essential that you do something about changing it.

 

What 9 Women Wish They Knew About Anal Sex Before They Tried It

No matter how much sex you’ve had, trying anal for the first time can make you feel like a virgin all over again. You’re worried it might be awkward even though you know it has the potential to be mind-blowingly incredible, and you can’t quite wrap your head around how it’ll physically feel. For the best chance at making it unforgettable (in a good way), check out these tips from real women who have already gotten in on the anal action.

“What I wished I had known before I did anal is that if something is a little sore, it doesn’t mean you have to stop right away and look at your butthole with a magnifying glass to make sure nothing is wrong with it. You can just go slowly. The exception is if you feel a really sharp or unusual pain. If that happens, by all means take a break and check in. Also, you don’t have to stick anything big up your a** the first time. Anal can be fun with just fingers or smaller toys!” —Margaret C.

“First of all, it’s easier to do when you’ve had a few drinks. I know that’s not ‘healthy’ advice, but it’s real advice. Your spirit and butthole are freed or something. It just doesn’t feel as weird. It’s also better to take it slow or use a small butt plug first instead of him just shoving it in. Lastly, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.” —Anna B.

“It’s so different with different guys! I know that sounds obvious, but I was nervous to do anything remotely anal-related with my current boyfriend because of bad experiences before. Specifically, one guy just assumed I was ready to go and started to stick it in sans lube. Obviously that hurt, so I didn’t have good anal associations. Now, with my current boyfriend, he really takes his time making sure I’m fully turned on and into it—so it always feels amazing.” —Kim

“I remember thinking in hindsight that I could never ever have anal sex with someone I didn’t absolutely trust because it felt more intimate than regular sex. It’s almost clinical because of how slowly you have to go and careful you have to be when you’re first starting to avoid too much pain. I also actually wish I’d known that lube isn’t just for anal. That was the first time I tried it, and I wish I’d been using it earlier because it’s great.” —Jo R.

“If you’re on an empty stomach, it just sucks. It feels weird, like you’re going to poop on him even though nothing’s inside of you. But don’t eat so much that you get too full. Anal makes it seem like he’s going deeper than regular sex, so you don’t want to feel stuffed on top of that.” —Madeline R.

“Anal can be a real turn-on because it feels kind of forbidden and naughty, for lack of a better word. I wish I’d realized sooner that, for me, it’s best when the guy uses his hand to stimulate my clitoris. I don’t think it’s great on its own. Also, I used to worry that he’d pull it out and it would be a bit poop-y, but it never has been, so I could have relaxed about that. But afterward, you might have the farts, so that’s good to know.” —Marissa G.

“Lube is essential. Anal can be enjoyable for both people involved as long as you bring the right tools, specifically lube. Lube. Lube. Lube. I wish I had known that the natural wetness of a woman is not enough to continue the pleasure, and it can get painful. While you’re grabbing the sheets and praying for it to end, he has no idea until he sees your pained face, and that does not equal a hot night. Also, not all lubes are created equal! You have to find the right one so it’ll continue to feel good for both of you. Straight from a reproductive health nurse who works with the gay community: the best lube to use is Liquid Silk or Gun Oil!” —Kara D.

“The most important thing to remember is that, to be blunt, sh*t happens. It is important to be as clean as possible, and soap and water are your friends. Also your friend? Engaging in anal sex soon after a bowel movement so that the rectum is clear. Enemas aren’t required if you have already defecated. And if there is a little poop, take it in stride, hit the showers and bask in the afterglow.” —Mollena W.

“I wish I’d known about Reddit. Honestly. There’s this perception—in my opinion, misconception—that anal sex is super secret, super gross, and super painful. Or that no one does it and you’re a freak if you do. If you have a glimmer of curiosity, it can feel like it’s so taboo, you can’t dare ask your friends if they’ve done it or for advice. And if they have, they’re probably too embarrassed to say, so it all just seems mysterious. Thank goodness for the Internet! Reddit has these subreddits, or communities, called /r/analsexstories,/r/analgw, and /r/sex. You can ask your questions anonymously on /r/sex and get real stories and advice. All of a sudden, it’s not as taboo or scary, and could actually be fun. Reddit is amazing.” —Tess N.

Hee-haa with a blindfold!

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His warm lips press softly against your neck and his fingers glide slowly over your breasts. Everything around you is dark. Your knees go numb and you hold your breath for what’s about to happen next . . .

A blindfold can cause sexual tension and excitement like a rocket that launches itself into the atmosphere. When one of the senses is taken away, it strengthens the rest to compensate for its loss. The nice thing about this naughty little item is that you can use it to give your sex life a bit of oomph or you can apply it in a manner that will turn this experience into a whole new ball game – the choice is yours!

What makes a blindfold a good sex toy?

  • A blindfold involves trust. For couples that have trust issues, this can be a wonderful exercise. For others it can reinforce the existing trust in your partner.
  • You can use anything in the house as a blindfold, such as a tie, a scarf or just a leftover piece of cloth.
  • Its not as obvious as a sex toy. It is difficult to explain (especially to the kids) what that vibrating thing in your drawer is, but nobody will think anything of a piece of cloth (or even a real blindfold) next to your bed.
  • It’s easy to take with you in a bag. If you were to go on holiday and your bags were searched, you won’t need to be embarrassed over what you hid between your underwear.

How do I use a blindfold during sex?
Decide beforehand who will be wearing the blindfold – you or your partner, or both of you. Make sure there are no dangers objects in the immediate environment with which you could hurt yourselves. And remember, no peeking!

The blind taste test
Feed your partner some treats to tantalize his taste buds. Choose snacks with strong, contrasting flavours such as strawberries, chocolate and honey. Make a game of it: The one that identifies the most items correctly, can get a reward. This is a fun way of testing the blindfold to decide if you want to take it further.

Sensual Massages
If your hubby wears the blindfold: Turn a satin cloth loosely over his penis and pull it softly open. DO this a couple of times until your hubby groans of pleasure and then unexpectedly place his penis in your mouth.
If your wife wears the blindfold: Stroke the inside of her thighs and just before your fingers touches her clitoris, take your hand away and kiss her breasts.

Play with different textures.
Let your blindfolded partner lie on his stomach and rub his buttocks with a soft brush – like those that you use to brush a baby’s hair. Use a feather to tickle his spine from his coccyx write-up to his neck. Let him turn around and slide a block of ice overs his chest, and tease his testicles with a velvet glove. The constant alternating of textures is unbelievably seductive purely because it’s so unpredictable!

Rediscover the familiar
Our parents always cautioned us look with our eyes and not with our hands. Well, forget about it! Hubby knows how the curves of your buttocks looks and you have already looked at his mini-me eye-t-eye countless times, – but when last did you really feel it? Explore each other’s bodies with blindfolds on. Kiss a path from your partner’s mouth to his groin area while one or both of you can’t see anything. Feel, hold, massage and stroke with your hands, tongue and other body parts. Make a sexy game of it and use one of your body parts to massage your partner, and let him guess which part of your body you are using.

Transform the shy you into a sex goddess
It is no secret, men are stimulated by what they see. Many men, and even women, find it unbelievably kinky to look at how their partner masturbates or just to touch their own genitals, but we are often too shy to do these things. Some people are so shy that they prefer sex in the dark and in turn, deprive your partner of the visual pleasure. A blindfold can make you feel more comfortable and even release your naughty and dominant side. Don’t hold back!

The triumphant finale
Sex with a blindfold on can be both wow and challenging. You will have to guide each other’s hands and genitals so that everything reaches the right place, so preferably start slowly until you have everything in place. Thereafter you can let loose! Concentrate on the feel of each other’s body’s and you may just discover sensations that you haven’t experienced before. Be creative and have fun!

No More Shades Of Grey: The True Psychology Behind Rough Sex

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In this period, where women want to be treated equally, with everyone being told to “Lean In” and celebrities finally classifying themselves as feminists, it’s difficult for some women to admit that, behind closed doors, they really, really just want to be dominated — to have their hair pulled, to be tied up, to be humiliated, to receive pain.

Similarly, it’s difficult for some men to admit that they really, really just want to do these things to women. After all, we’re all supposed to be feminists now, so the idea of inflicting purposeful pain upon a woman seems, well, ridiculous.

In this kind of sadomasochistic (S&M) sexual relationship, the man receives pleasure from the physical or psychological pain and suffering of the woman. But these roles are not limited gender-wise: Men, too, can want to be dominated, and women can want to dominate. What gives?

In the world of S&M, which is part of a larger sphere of sexual play called BDSM [bondage and discipline (BD), dominance and submission (DS), and sadism and masochism (SM)], couples call the shots, set their limitations and engage in whatever makes them feel the sexiest, even if it’s absurdly politically incorrect.

Regardless of your opinion on “Fifty Shades,” the series — and soon, the film — catapulted elements of BDSM to the mainstream. It has become less weird to talk about nipple clamps, which, for feminists like me who support choice in all aspects of life, sound like progress.

There are varying degrees of BDSM, ranging everywhere from light spanking to a technique called tamakeri, a Japanese porn fetish of getting kicked in the balls.

BDSM is a huge umbrella term for a variety of sexual activities, Debby Herbenick, sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute, tells the Huffington Post. For some, “kink,” as it’s sometimes called, can be a simple feather — for others, it can be a whip. There’s no way to generalize.

The pleasure derived from BDSM is in the loss of control that comes with submission as well as in the rush of power that comes with domination. With BDSM, partners can take turns being the powerful and the powerless in the bedroom.

The most important aspect of BDSM is the continued expression of “yes,” Em and Lo, popular sex bloggers and co-authors of the book 150 Shades of Play tell.

It’s absolutely crucial that each step in a BDSM environment be met with a consensual agreement to proceed. Forceful BDSM sex can be physically and psychologically taxing, so it’s important that couples have high levels of trust and compassion before delving into it.

Considering the aggressive nature of BDSM, the psychological roots have long been associated with mental disorders, emotional problems or signs of early life trauma; however, enjoying elements of BDSM is not a sign that something is wrong with you, despite what mass media wants you to believe.

The brooding Mr. Grey has been criticized for his cold-hearted portrayal of BDSM as a symptom of a sickness, of some kind of deep, dark past of a neglectful “crack whore” mother. In her piece for The Guardian, psychotherapist Pamela Stephenson Connolly counters this with the following:

It has been firmly established – through the work of Peggy Kleinplatz, Charles Moser [authors of Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures] and others – that BDSM, played in a safe and consensual manner, is not proof of mental or physical illness, essential badness or emotional damage from trauma or abusive parenting, and that people cannot – and should not – be treated to cure it.

A little over a decade ago, Connolly carried out an extensive psychological study of 132 participants of the BDSM community — the largest of the time.

Through dozens of face-to-face interviews and a range of psychological tests to determine if there were any justification for this community’s sexual preferences, Connolly found that the group was “generally not mentally unhealthy,” and, most notably, “instances of early abuse that had long been associated with the adult practice of BDSM were present in just a few.”

So, these common notions that BDSM-style sex is indicative of psychological anxiety, a past history of sexual abuse or compensation for emotional inadequacies are false. What, then, does it mean if you like hair pulling, smacking, bondage or, yes, even nipple clamps?

“BDSM is not a pathological symptom, but one of a wide range of normative human erotic interests,” asserts Connolly.

Nan Wise, sex therapist and neuroscientist who studies the brain during orgasm, agrees with this idea: “Nature loves diversity and society abhors it. There are many, many ways that people are wired for pleasure. We all have unique erotic fingerprints.”

Wise emphasizes that it’s “unpredicted stimuli” that fires up our dopamine receptors to give us sexual pleasure.

Exploring new sexual fantasies in the realm of BDSM, for example, allows couples to re-engage their reward centers that may have become too accustomed to doing too much of the same kind of sex. Simply put, BDSM spices things up.

There hasn’t been too much research on the personality types of those who enjoy elements of BDSM, but they actually seem, overall, to be mentally healthier than non-BDSM lovers.

A 2013 Dutch study found that BDSM lovers were more extraverted, more open to experience, more conscientious, less neurotic, less sensitive to rejection, more securely attached and higher in subjective well-being. This study could limited in the fact that it only studied a Dutch community, but it’s not too far-fetched to apply these ideas to other BDSM aficionados.

Another study found that couples who engaged in BDSM had increased levels of intimacy, and an Australian phone survey of 19,000 people found that these couples were also happier in their relationships.

Sexuality is extraordinarily variable, so much so that “variable” should probably be considered more of a norm than missionary.